Taking it to the mattresses

I hate blogging from work, but my new discovery prompted me to need to blog immediately. (Which, according to Lewis Black, makes me the root of all evil. The sad thing is, I kind of agree with him. I do not Twitter, and I'm vaguely appalled at the amount of texting I've been doing lately... but these are issues for another post.)

In between actual work, I cruised over to the Hilton website to try getting a room yet again. They have to release the extras sometime, and while I know that time is likely to be June - WAY too late to appease my OCD - I live in hope. (Also anger, anxiety, and increasing frustration.) As usual, I plugged in the dates for next year's Con and got no availability. Below the "we're sorry, yada yada yada" message that always appears, there was another familiar link. "Flexible dates?" it asks.

Despite the fact that my dates are in no way flexible (they're set in adamantium), I clicked on it. It took me to the "availability calendar", which showed that my dates were booked up, and that about two days after the Convention ended, 4-night stays would open up again. But all the dates before the Convention were greyed out, which was odd. Was there no availability for all of July 2009? So I clicked on July 21st to check. A little green check-box appeared, indicating that a 4-night stay beginning the 21st was available. WTF? Three of those four nights were most of the nights I need. So I thought, oh, that makes sense. Saturday is always the most heavily attended day of the Con - either they really are booked for Saturday, or Saturday is the night they know they can sell at any price, so they're holding it. (I then briefly considered changing hotels just for Saturday, then realized that A) Saturday is the night of the masquerade and the entire point of staying this close, and B) I would have to spend at least two hours on Saturday moving, which would be a huge waste of very expensive time. No.)

But then I thought, what if they're not holding Saturday? Let's check, just for the hell of it. So I changed my 4-night stay to a 5-night stay, still beginning the 21st. And, lo and behold - IT WAS AVAILABLE. Now, here's the thing: I can't afford an extra night. No way, no how. I can't actually afford the four nights I need. (We'll discuss the concept of "afford" later. What I mean is that while I can find the money it is semi-irresponsible for me to spend it on this. I'm not getting it from loan sharks or falling behind on my rent, though.) So I can't afford five nights, but I click on the reservation button anyway. (Obviously my credit card will not be charged, as I haven't given it to them yet. Why do some websites insist on telling you that on every screen?) It allows me to choose a room type from the quoted prices and advance another screen. So here I am on the final price, give us your credit card information, etc. screen. And it's a shocker.

I look at the total, perplexed. I punch the quoted room rate into my calculator and multiply by five. It's not particularly close to the number on screen. I add the 10% (@#$##$^^&*) hotel tax. Still doesn't match. So I search the screen for something to explain it. There it is! "Note: room prices vary during the length of your stay." Do they ever! The first night - the 21st, before the Con begins - is $110 dollars cheaper than the other nights. Wow.

The part of my brain that doesn't consult reality is still trying to make this work. The fifth (unnecessary) night is the cheapest night, after all. And, I thought, what if I reserve the room for all five nights, and then, in a couple of months, call the Hilton and explain that I'll only be needing four of them? Then I'll have the room! The tragic part is that at this point I actually felt guilty for gaming the Hilton reservation system. I felt that I wasn't being fair to the hotel. Don't worry, scrolling down cured me of this misplaced compassion real fast.

I'm not (usually) stupid, so I scrolled down and started reading all the caveats to the reservation. The first blow was financial - the entire cost of the reservation would be charged to my credit card today, despite the fact that I specifically hadn't selected the "prepaid" rate. All right, fine. I was blathering on about cash on the barrel; looks like I'll be putting my money where my mouth is. The second blow was also financial - valet parking (no self park available) at $32/night. Ouch.

But the third blow was the coup de grâce. "If you cancel for any reason, attempt to modify this reservation, or do not arrive on your specified check-in date, your payment is non-refundable." I'm honestly still a little speechless. You're telling me that if I book a room with you, and give you more than two thousand dollars today, you still have the right to not give me a room - and keep all my money - if my plans change at all? So, even if I was willing to just take the hit and pay for all five nights, without asking for any changes, if I couldn't get there the first night you'd have the right to give my room away? That's insane.

It's just wrong. I can't even articulate how wrong it is. I know that this is not the only time and place that hotels pull crap like this, but I can't believe we let them get away with it. I'm not even sure it's legal. (Although it probably is. I will be calling the Better Business Bureau to check, though.) The Hilton has earned my eternal contempt. They have rooms available on the nights I need - I've proven it - yet they won't rent one to me. If I do get one, by paying extra for nights I don't need, they'll give it away when I can't claim it.

And I'm sure the other hotels are all doing the same thing. They just have better-programmed reservation systems that don't have this loophole, so I can't prove it. Well, good for them. If you're in the service industry and you're going to be evil, at least have the decency to lie about it.